No matter how many times I try to explain it, no one will understand. So I just don't bother anymore. I go along with life pretending everything is okay, when really it just isn't. I laugh and I joke but its all an act. I've gotten good at that. Have you ever watched someone you love die? It is heartbreaking. Imagine your best friend succombing to a long battle with an illness. And then you get the call that they are gone. How do you feel? That's how I feel. That's the call I got yesterday. My mom found her laying in her litter box barely breathing. She had to take her to the vet and just get it over with. Sound overly dramatic? Too bad. I love my cat more than I love most of my friends. I care about her more than I care about anyone in this world. And now she is gone. Sure tell me that you are so sorry. That you understand. But you don't. Just because you've lost a pet doesn't mean you do. Because Calli wasn't a pet. She was a sister. Dramatic again? Wrong. Thats how my family is. Our animals are family members. Despite what anyone might say, animals are people too. They have distinct personalities, likes and dislikes. And I just lost a family member. A very important one. The first person I greeted whenever I got home will never come to greet me again. She will never come into my room and sleep on my clothes. She will never sit under the Christmas tree between the presents. And I can't handle that. At all. I know that the pain should dull, the way it did with Bam, but right now it just feels like it won't. I don't want to let her go. I don't want to go home and not have someone to feed and take care of. I don't want to not have to yell at Sherlock to leave her alone. I would give so much just to pet her one more time, as she was before she got sick. Before she was only fur and bones. When the vet told us she could lose some weight instead of that she was anorexic. I lost my two favorite people in the world to cancer. We knew it was coming for ten years with grandma, but this was so quick. I didn't even know until two weeks ago. And it hurts even more because I know that she tried not to die while I was home. But every day I saw her get worse and worse. And I knew it was going to happen, but I didn't want to believe it. I still don't want to believe it. But it has happened. She is gone. And I can't do anything about it. And I can't tell anyone how badly it really feels. I don't care if they think I'm lame or dramatic. They don't know her, just like they didn't know Bam. I just can't get rid of the empty feeling. There's nothing I can do. I miss her so much.
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